Parenting poll of sorts

[tricia]

Cross posting from SM to get the widest answers that I can. You can answer anonymously if you like (and the board allows)

1. How do you discipline your child(ren)?
2. Do you believe that spanking (NOT beating) has it's place?
3. If you do spank, what do you use (hand, belt, paddle, switch, other?)
4. Do you think that "time out" ALWAYS works, even with a child who is extremely fidgety?
5. At what age do you begin to discipline or correct a child?
6. Is is EVER ok for a child to bite, kick or spit in another child's face, unprovoked or provoked?
7. What age(s) are your kids?

[KarenN]

1. How do you discipline your child(ren)?

Depends - I like the punishment to suit the crime. One of the best that we have is the bucket. When the boys are fussing or fighting, they are told to get the buckets. That means that they go out and gather rocks from the pasture or yard and redistribute them to the gravel roads. I like hard physical activity for the fighiting things. Time out works SOMETIMES, this works ALL that time.

2. Do you believe that spanking (NOT beating) has it's place?

YES

3. If you do spank, what do you use (hand, belt, paddle, switch, other?)

Only my open hand, one or two swift spanks on the bottom. Quickly and right away - NO delayed, wiat till your father gets home spankings.


4. Do you think that "time out" ALWAYS works, even with a child who is extremely fidgety?

NO Time out does not always work. It depends on the child's personality.


5. At what age do you begin to discipline or correct a child?

As soon as they could be reasoned with. About 12 months.

6. Is is EVER ok for a child to bite, kick or spit in another child's face, unprovoked or provoked?

NO

7. What age(s) are your kids?

Phillip is 11 - Loss of reward or privilege is the best in his case.

Ian is 7 and a swift spank, followed by a hug and a discussion of the situation works best with him.

[Coyote]

1. No punishment really, just discussion. I don't think I've ever punished my two older children and only a rare, very brief time out for my youngest.

2. No, not really. There may be rare circumstances which warrant it, but those circumstances shouldn't arise. That said, I don't think that it does any real harm to spank a child - it's just not what I do. Spanking is a better than harsh, hurtful words or inappropriately used time outs.

3. Not applicable.

4. Time out is appropriate in a very limited circumstance - such as to give a child a chance to calm down if he/she is agitated and can't focus on discussion. My mother was very opposed to time out in that it is, in effect, an ostracizing of the child, which she felt was pschologically detrimental. I agree to a large extent in that I've seen it overused.

5. I think you begin to teach a child as intentional conduct emerges.

6. Well, no. But, sometimes things like that happen and it shouldn't be blown out of proportion. That type of conduct must be stopped. Well, I'm about to waffle on my "no" answer so I probably should stop here:) Never on spitting or biting - almost never on kicking The kid that fights should just be taught another way to express himself/herself.

7. 18 girl, 15 boy, 11 boy

modified to add that I like the "pick up rocks" thing:) that Karen mentioned - the redirection of the energy.

[Lindanshadow]

1. How do you discipline your child(ren)?
I have found that taking away the things that important to them, ie tv, phone etc, work pretty good.
2. Do you believe that spanking (NOT beating) has it's place?
Yes, spanking has it's place but never beating.
3. If you do spank, what do you use (hand, belt, paddle, switch, other?)
Just a swat with an open hand.
4. Do you think that "time out" ALWAYS works, even with a child who is extremely fidgety?
No, not always.
5. At what age do you begin to discipline or correct a child?
As soon as they can reason. (about 1yr)
6. Is is EVER ok for a child to bite, kick or spit in another child's face, unprovoked or provoked?
Never.
7. What age(s) are your kids?
Son 17yrs
Daughter 15yrs

[Littljoe]

1. Talk, talk, and more talk. Not just when things go wrong, either! One of the best lessons I learned from our pediatrician when my first child was born was to "catch 'em being good," and I always tried to stick to that. My kids and I were constantly discussing what was right and wrong, how to decide, why we consider a certain act to be wrong (usually because it hurts someone else), what a person should do instead, and so on. Before they could speak, obviously, their end of the conversation was non-verbal, but we still could communicate pretty well.

I found that if you develop a mutually dependent and respectful relationship right from the beginning, your disapproval, or even the possibility of it, is the worst thing that can possibly happen to your child. Other punishment or correction is rarely necessary.

2. No, I don't believe in spanking. It's hypocritical. We teach our children not to hit, push, bite, etc., and then we reserve the right to hit them? I don't think so. Psychologically and emotionally, there is no difference to a young child between a single swat or a prolonged beating--in both cases their parent has broken the rule that the child is supposed to follow. That's the devastating thing about being hit or spanked by a parent, more than the physical pain. If you look carefully at the emotional state of a kid who's been spanked, especially a very young one, they're not sad--they're outraged. And they should be.

3. See #2.

4. No, "time out" doesn't always work. No correction works all the time, because the child's intent and emotional state aren't the same every time. There has to be some logical connection between the infraction and the correction for the child to make any sense of it--and if the "punishment" is the same every time, how can that happen? "Time out" is appropriate if a child is emotionally out of control and needs a chance to collect him/herself so you can talk about what happened--but it's not much good as a punishment.

5. Day 1? Everything we do to guide a child into correct actions is "discipline." So if a nursing baby bites down, and you pull him off the breast, that's discipline. And so on.

6. No.

7. Mine are 22 and 19, both girls. The older one is a senior in college, studying anthropology; and younger is an associate manager at a fine arts theater and plans to start college this coming fall.

[Newfygirl]

1. How do you discipline your child(ren)?
We try to talk it out. Our oldest (6) gets sent to his room if needed. Our youngest (3)- we try to redirect his behavior into something positive. They each will get a swat on the butt with a hand, not hard and always through clothing. We only had to spank our oldest once, and haven't had to spank our 3 year old.
2. Do you believe that spanking (NOT beating) has it's place? see above. But NEVER slap across the face.
3. If you do spank, what do you use (hand, belt, paddle, switch, other?) hand (but my parents used a wooden spoon and we turned out ok!)
4. Do you think that "time out" ALWAYS works, even with a child who is extremely fidgety? NO! Just like horses, all children are different.
5. At what age do you begin to discipline or correct a child? As long as they can understand right and wrong.
6. Is is EVER ok for a child to bite, kick or spit in another child's face, unprovoked or provoked? In my opinion, NEVER. Respect for each other, all people, all animals is important to my family and we encourage our kids to always think about other peoples feelings.
7. What age(s) are your kids both boys - ages 6 and 3

[Newfygirl]

PS: I think that sometimes parents - myself included need time outs!

Tricia - I think that what you are doing is wonderful. You are making a huge difference in the lives of these kids. Everything will work out. What you have done for them in a month - they will always remember and it will change their lives.

[wildfire]

1. How do you discipline your child(ren)?
A) With education about what is acceptable behavior, actions and attitudes
(“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22: 6 "Discipline your children and they will give you rest; they will give delight to your heart." - Proverbs 29:17)
B) Rebellion or “going against my word” spanking.
"Folly is bound up in the heart of a boy, but the rod of discipline drives it far away." - Proverbs 22.12

2. Do you believe that spanking (NOT beating) has it's place? ABSOLUTLY!
("Do not withhold discipline from your children; if you beat them with a rod, they will not die. If you beat them with the rod, you will save their lives from Sheol." - Proverbs 23.14-15
"The rod and reproof give wisdom." - Proverbs 29:15
"I will be his father, and he shall be my son: if he commit iniquity, I will chasten him with the rod of men, and with the stripes of the children of men." - 2 Samuel 7:14
"On the lips of one who has understanding wisdom is found, but a rod is for the back of one who lacks sense." Proverbs 10:27
"Those who spare the rod hate their children, but those who love them are diligent to discipline them." - Proverbs 13:24
"The Lord disciplines those whom he loves, and scourges every child whom he accepts." - Hebrews 12:6)

3. If you do spank, what do you use (hand, belt, paddle, switch, other?) Usually my hand.

4. Do you think that "time out" ALWAYS works, even with a child who is extremely fidgety?
(“The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.” Proverbs 29: 15)

5. At what age do you begin to discipline or correct a child? From day one. (Of course it MUST be “understanding appropriate”. "Bite momma's nipple, butt gets smacked.")

6. Is is EVER ok for a child to bite, kick or spit in another child's face, unprovoked or provoked?
Punch and/or kick? YES! In response to physical aggression. (Biting if necessary! The object of a fight is to WIN!)
Spitting? Yelling? NEVER!

7. What age(s) are your kids? 6 years old – 25 years old.
You’ve seen my 2 youngest girls.
Draw you own conclusions.

I know there will be many that disagrees with me, and that's fine!
Remember: I like it medium well!

GLHR!

[Newfygirl]

I was reading what Wildfire wrote - and I think I need to stress that I do think its important to let kids know that if someone (an older kid or adult) attacks them, its ok to fight back - kick, bite, punch - anything to get away. You can bet that if some guy attacks me, hes going to get a good kick in the crotch!

[tlcbouv]

I recently went to a convention where John Rosemond Phd talked about parenting for about 4 hours over 2 days. he is terrific
www.rosemond.com/

[Coyote]

Tricia, I think sometimes extraordinary means are necessary, as is the case in the situation that you describe. I think, though, that as you gain their attention and as the communication develops (which seems to be happening already) spanking can be replaced with discussion. You have to have their attention first, though. Where in Alabama are you? It's my home state.

Wildfire, if one follows “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22: 6" hopefully he/she never gets to the "rod" proverbs:)....and I'm not sure how literal "rod" is but that's another discussion:). To me, it isn't a question of whether spanking children is a sin, but of what is the most effective "rod" to use.

[Sheryl]

1. How do you discipline your child(ren)?
It has varied a little by their age. Primarily removal of privledges or sometimes additional work assignments.

2. Do you believe that spanking (NOT beating) has it's place?
Generally, I would say no. My kids have been well behaved without it, but I only have experience with 2 kids, and I am no expert. I have several reasons for not believing in spanking, but probably the main one is that I have always taught a message to my kids that you don't solve disputes/problems with violence. They have it pretty well engrained that you don't hit people you like/love/care for.

3. If you do spank, what do you use (hand, belt, paddle, switch, other?)
To me, I think that anything beyond the hand is too much. I did know a lady that used a flyswatter to discipline her daughter because there is a risk that a hand or paddle etc can cause damage to a child. The flyswatter made the noise, and more importantly, the kid knew she had been disciplined even if it didn't really cause pain. I was always comfortable with her discipline approach for a very difficult child.

4. Do you think that "time out" ALWAYS works, even with a child who is extremely fidgety?
Time outs don't always work


5. At what age do you begin to discipline or correct a child?
Gentle corrections start very young - a baby needs to start understanding "no".

6. Is is EVER ok for a child to bite, kick or spit in another child's face, unprovoked or provoked?
Well, I try to discourage all of that behavior for sure. On the other hand, they shouldn't have to take being beat up by another kid and have a right to defend themselves. The problem my boys have had is with girls who physically attack, since they both know that it isn't okay to hit girls (yes I am sexist). The easy solution is to just stay away from the offenders since the girls really want the attention it seems. For us, that has worked.


7. What age(s) are your kids?
15 and 12 - both boys. Frequently complimented on their good behavior, but all kids are different. Some kids have a better "nature" then others.

[tlcbouv]

Because it is the most character-building, two-letter word in the English language, children have the right to hear their parents say "No" at least three times a day.............................................
Children have the right to find out early in their lives that their parents don't exist to make them happy, but to offer them the opportunity to learn the skills they-children-will need to eventually make themselves happy.............................................
Children have a right to scream all they want over the decisions their parents make, albeit their parents have the right to confine said screaming to certain areas of their homes.............................................
Children have the right to find out early that their parents care deeply for them but don't give a hoot what their children think about them at any given moment in time.............................................
Because it is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, children have the right to hear their parents say "Because I said so" on a regular and frequent basis.............................................
Because it is the most character-building activity a child can engage in, children have the right to share significantly in the doing of household chores.............................................
Every child has the right to discover early in life that he isn't the center of the universe (or his family or his parents' lives) that he isn't a big fish in a small pond, that he isn't the Second Coming, and that he's not even-in the total scheme of things-very important at all, no one is, so as to prevent him from becoming an insufferable brat.............................................
Children have the right to learn to be grateful for what they receive, therefore, they have the right to receive all of what they truly need and very little of what they simply want.............................................
Children have the right to learn early in their lives that obedience to legitimate authority is not optional, that there are consequences for disobedience, and that said consequences are memorable and, therefore, persuasive.............................................
Every child has the right to parents who love him/her enough to make sure he/she enjoys all of the above rights.............................................

[bluemouse]

tlc, that's excellent! Thanks for sharing!

1. How do you discipline your child(ren)? Spanking on the thigh or occasionally wrist, removal of privileges, time outs.
2. Do you believe that spanking (NOT beating) has it's place? Absolutely.
3. If you do spank, what do you use (hand, belt, paddle, switch, other?) I generally use my hand, but I'm trying to go to using a paddle or wooden spoon.
4. Do you think that "time out" ALWAYS works, even with a child who is extremely fidgety? Absolutely not. Not every kid can handle it.
5. At what age do you begin to discipline or correct a child? A year before their first birthday.
6. Is is EVER ok for a child to bite, kick or spit in another child's face, unprovoked or provoked? Not in my opinion, although I do like Wildfire's take on this question and am willing to concede that if my child is set upon unprovoked, she'd better defend herself!
7. What age(s) are your kids? Gabby is 2, Zoe is 3 months. Gabby is extremely strong-willed and has a very forceful personality. Zoe already shows signs of being much more laid-back and compliant. I guess I'm glad I had the challenging one first - it makes Zoe that much easier! LOL

Wildfire, have you ever read Mike and Debi Pearl's books on child-rearing? "To Train Up A Child" and "No Greater Joy", etc.

[noblesseoblige]

1. How do you discipline your child(ren)?

our children were spanked very rarely and then only for lying. Other punishments where things like time out and taking away privileges.

2. Do you believe that spanking (NOT beating) has it's place?

yes, if it not done unjust, uncontrolled (in a fit of temper)
and on the bottom only - never hit a childs head!

3. If you do spank, what do you use (hand, belt, paddle, switch, other?)

No we never used objects, although many people believe that hands are for loving only.

4. Do you think that "time out" ALWAYS works, even with a child who is extremely fidgety?

It does not work with every child. Having had a very fidgety daughter I would put her in time out, but she was allowed to read.

5. At what age do you begin to discipline or correct a child?

from the day you carry them home from the hospital.

6. Is is EVER ok for a child to bite, kick or spit in another child's face, unprovoked or provoked?

I don't think our kids ever spit, at least I don't know it. But if somebody started a fight with them they better hold their own and don't come home whining to me. Our kids where never allowed to be bullies or start a fight it never was a problem either, since this was and is not their temperament. But by golly, if somebody hits you, you better kick a--s (donkey?). Rarely will they get hit again if you win the first time.

7. What age(s) are your kids?
our son is 30 and our daughter will be 25 this friday.