OMG; why is the right thing so hard???

[Mary Ann]

I just got off the phone with an old friend. We go back two barns, or about twelve years ago. She's vivacious, funny, loyal, very intelligent, and has poor judgment. And now she has to reap the unfortunate results of this.

She used to board her horses out. When I first met her, it was just one. She lavished all the attention she had on this mare. Then her husband got interested in horses, and he began riding the mare, too. Soon, she decided she needed a horse for her hubby.

She finds a nice horse and brings it home. But her mare was getting up there in years, getting some aches and pains, so she decides to buy a prospect. She buys one, it's a puke, sells it and gets another. Same song, different verse with another. Then she decides to breed the mare. The mare was breeding quality, and gave her a cute little filly. Emphasis little. She breeds the mare back, and gets a colt. All four are boarded out.

The bills are killing her, so she and her husband (with our encouragement) buy a home where they can keep the horses at home. We think it'll ease their financial woes, but it doesn't. They buy a place and immediately use up all the extra $$$ in their line of credit for their mortgage to add on to the barn, re-fence, grade, buy tractors, manure spreaders, a pool, a jacuzzi, more horses, minis, mini donkeys, you name it. They're living on the edge, but they're making it. We used to marvel at how they could always manage to pull out some extraordinary save when we knew we'd be sleepless, on the edge of financial disaster.

Then this lovely woman got very, very sick. She found out she had an ailment that's exceedingly rare, and will shorten her life dramatically.

After all the medical down time, she lost her business. She had to go with another company and start over. And in these tough times, she's made very little. Her income is only about a fourth of what it once was. Her husband's income is negligible.

She didn't sell her horses. She didn't sell any of the spendy diamond jewelry she has. She still kept a couple of horses out with trainers. And financially, she simply bled to death.

She called me a little while ago trying to scrape up some cash to make her mortgage payment tomorrow. If she doesn't come up with it by 2pm, they're going to take her house.

I just. Couldn't. Do it.

In thirty days, I don't believe she'll be in any better place than she is now; it'll just delay the inevitable. She told me she'd sell anything I asked her to sell to pay me back; what do you say? She has lovely horses, but I don't need another horse. All my stalls are full. I have no idea how she's going to survive. But all these years, all of us have tried to help her see that she was getting in too deep, spending too much, spreading herself too thin. But she didn't listen.

I knew it was money I could possibly never see again. Her mortgage payment is stiff. How could I ask my husband to throw almost two thousand dollars away when I have no way of knowing if or when I'll ever see it again? I know she'd pay me back someday, but it wouldn't be for a loooong time. And it would only delay the inevitable for thirty days, until the next payment is due.

Now I'm sick to my stomach. That horrible fear, that anxiety, is working in my gut even though it's not my problem. I feel physically sick with it. I know I did what was right for me, and probably for her, too; but I grieve to know she's going to lose her home.

Oh, and want to hear the real irony of it? She's an investment advisor.

Ah, crap.

[linda]

My heart goes out to you. I understand only too well. And you can't FIX any of it for her Linda

[Mary Ann]

Linda, have you ever had anybody call you with a plea like that? It's heartbreaking! Took my breath away.

[dianei]

OOOOh, Mary Ann......lots of hugs for you.
*sigh* been there, done that.......with our son.

DIL took off, he quit his job......was on the verge of foreclosure. He wanted help, and we refused. Broke our hearts, but we couldn't see him making any effort to move on.

Within 2 months, he and wife worked out their problems, she actually went out and got a job.....he found interim work while he waited to be called on a machinists' job.......they went to the bank, got everything straightened out......and are pretty much over the hump. We never would have turned them away if it came to keeping a roof over the grandchildrens' heads......but they sucked it up and are pulling themselves out of the hole.

Within the past year, Jamey came to me and thanked us for making him go it alone......he wasn't really alone, but he doesn't need to know that.......but HE MADE THE CHOICES.

Alas, though......your friend has been overextended for a long long time.......and she's not going to change anything unless she has to cut back to the bone......and she doesn't sound willing to do that.

Think about what you would do if you suddenly found yourself in dire straits. I know in my case, all the *toys* would go first.......

She's got her back to the wall, and she refuses to set her priorities. I'm sorry she has to go through this, but I'm more sorry it's hurting you so bad.
Hugs.

[Chrisnstar]

Oh dear, Mary Ann, you are such a good friend to worry so about her and to feel such anguish at having to say no. But, you did the right thing.

One key thing I've learned in my 12-step program is that sometimes you have to let the crisis happen for the people you care about. It's the only way they will learn to make better choices.

And you are right. Your help now would only stave off the inevitable. Who will she turn to in a month? She should have been selling these things before it got to this point.

I've been in terrible financial binds myself from job losses, sickness and other misfortunes. But so far, I've always kept a roof over my head and the things I hold dear. I've learned that most creditors will work with you if you talk to them and try to work out a plan BEFORE you get way in too deep.

I watched a previous neighbor go through something like this. They bought a huge beautiful home next door to me. Such a nice home, that George Brett once looked at it!

They filled the barn with 20 horses and got into financial trouble. Three years later, their home exploded and burned to the ground. No one in the neighborhood thinks it was an accident, but somehow the fire marshall found no foul play.

They rebuilt the home and two years later lost the house in bankruptcy. They never mowed the lawn. Their brand new beautiful home was trashed in those two years.. broken windows, litter all about, chickens and cat poop and other animal waste on their garage floor...

They made terrible decisions. They had all those horses and no riding equipment at all! They purchased expensive alfalfa hay from out west that came in BOXES! Each flake had its own little carrying handle! I can't imagine how much it cost to buy hay like that! Especially when we can get excellent brome grass hay here for $2.50 to $3 per bale and alfalfa for $4 per bale! When I saw that hay, I had no more pity for their plight.

The last I heard, they were living in a trailer house in the Ozarks with almost all the horses on 5 acres... sigh....

I'm certainly no financial genius and we're not in great shape now. Sure wish I could wrest the bill paying authority away from Ray.

But people have to take responsiblity for their own successes and their own messes.

I'm so sorry your friend is in this situation and sorry you are carrying the burden over it. Please don't feel guilty. The best thing you can do is to just be there and be a friend, but that doesn't mean open your checkbook.

chris

[Mary Ann]

You guys are soooo right. I fortunately got a good night's sleep, but my heart still aches for her today. I'll think of her at two this afternoon.

Chris, one thing I don't feel is guilty. She made this bed; now she has to sleep in it. I just feel horrendously sad. We all told her for years that she was getting in awfully deep, and that we'd not be able to sleep if we made such choices. But she went on. Joye knows her well too, and when I called Joye to tell her what was going on, she said the same thing. We saw it coming like a freight train, and couldn't warn her so she would hear us. She just kept going.

How is it that people can't seem to live within their means? It's as if they don't really know what their means are. Just because someone extends credit to you, doesn't mean you need to take it and spend it. Geez.

Diane, I'm so sorry that it happened to you with someone so near and dear. I would have probably done the same. But I can't get out of my head that this woman is an adult, fifty years old, and a freaking financial advisor and estate planner, for heaven's sakes, and she still doesn't get it! She doesn't know where that line is where you simply tell yourself NO. Now others are having to tell her.

*sigh* I don't know how these things work, how they'll prolong it, if they'll kick them out right away or if there'll be a long process. I wonder where she can move all those horses.

Thanks for all your kind words. I'm really shaken by this, because I don't know how she could put herself in such a precarious situation. Her home, she's losing her home....

[wildfire]

To themselves.
As a rule: Don’t buy a mechanic’s car, a plumber’s plumbing leaks, check out the preacher’s son/daughter! The worst care for child neglect/abuse I ever saw, were the children of a woman who was a “Child Protective Services” caseworker! She actually let her 14 year old daughter spend weekends with her, the daughter’s, 38-year-old “BOYFRIEND”!

No one changes, without a REASON to change. (If all is going well, WHY change?)
I grieve for you for having to experience this feeling of helplessness, as well as the hard lesson your dear friend is about to encounter.

I will say a prayer for her health and her conditions.

Again, I’m so very sorry!

[ExLibris]

Good heavens! How absolutely frightening! Just the thought of money troubles that bad makes my stomach icky...

It seems to me, and this is just my opinion, of course, that while selling the diamonds & such would bring a bit of cash now, it also wouldn't do her any good two months from now, and she'd also not have her jewelry any more (assuming it's got sentimental value). The thing that really ought to go is the horses! I know how much that can hurt, because they are real people with feelings & thoughts of their own, and they're her friends, too, I'm sure, but they also are actively COSTING money. The diamonds are paid for, they're not consuming anything, but the horses are...they're receiving food, vet care (one assumes, anyway), foot care, and all the other billions of needs a barnfull has. Not only would she get a considerable amount of money for the animals, but she'd SAVE a considerable amount every month as well, and that could go towards her (scary huge) mortgage. Not that I have a huge amount of room to talk...we're living paycheck to paycheck here, but that's precisely why I REFUSE to take on any animals...not even a housecat. I want pets desperately, but I WILL NOT put the care & well being of another creature in my hands without adequate funds in case of emergency! I want at least $1000 in the bank before I'll take on a pet...what if it broke a limb or got some weird disease? Sheesh...and, that brings up the question of how is she paying her vet bills?? Now THERE'S a guy you don't want to alienate! Wow...I feel for her, I really do. I have to say, it does freak me out that she's a financial advisor...rather makes me think twice about seeing one myself!

And Chris...hay in boxes??

[Littljoe]

As tough as it is, MaryAnn, you're doing the right thing. What's sad is that if someone had had a chance to do something similar with these people 10 or 15 years ago, they might not be in this situation now. It's particularly distressing when life's lessons come late, but that's better than never learning them at all.

You KNOW you're actually doing her a favor, painful as it is.

And Wildfire, I'm interested in how your hypothesis relates to teachers...would it be that teachers' kids are the dropouts? Actually, I've seen that happen more than once. And how does it relate to horse trainers?

--LJ

[trigger]

LOL, Littlejoe! My experience has been that most teachers' kids do quite well for themselves, many gravitating to education just like their folks. And I know a lot of teachers...I am one, I married one, and I am the child of one :-) I can't think of a single one that has been a dropout, but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen, of course. Maybe it depends on the area you're in....?

[Mary Ann]

Kel, I think the old adage is that the shoemaker's children have no shoes, or something like that. I think there can be an element of truth there, because I know when I was shoeing horses, mine often got long because if I ever got a break from it I wasn't eager to shoe anything.

I think sometimes people will gravitate toward a study of things that impact their lives greatly. I know my grandfather decided to become a surgeon after narrowly escaping having his foot amputated. The different aspects of medicine fascinated him; and he was a high school dropout. Had he not gotten in that motorcycle accident that nearly cost him his foot, he never would have become a doctor. I think sometimes troubled people become fascinated with psychology, in an effort to find the source of their discomfort, and people like my friend probably become financial advisors because they seek some formula to manage more effectively.

I've thought many times that we just need to send her Dorothy.

Ex Libris, you are sooo right! She needs to reduce her overhead, the month to month expenses that are eating her alive. Horses are, my husband says, a black hole for money; she needs to cut her numbers down and get control of her cash flow. What gets me is, why can't she see that? She's not the first 'collector' I've seen crash and burn.

Well, the deed is either done, or it's not done. I don't believe I want to call her to ask.

[LoriB]

You are a good friend. And, the best kind of friend will refuse the handout. It is like giving a drunk a drink, or a druggie a joint.

If they were going to take her house THAT day, well, then she is MONTHS behind. Forclosure just does not work that way.

I have learned that financial counselors know little, if anything about managing money.

Scary stuff.

You are doing the right thing, she needs to crash and burn, unfortunately, so she can look up and see the road.

Hopefully she will, and when she does, hold her hand, walk with her and give her all the support she needs (except financial).

Giving her the mortgage payment, well, is like putting a bandaid on a bleeding stump of a limb just lost.

It only provides temporary relief of the symptoms....not the cure.