Post by Chrisnstar on Jan 13, 2005 23:12:04 GMT -5
Dear Dogs:
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions so there is still a dog in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. **Please note: Placing a paw print in the middle
of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that esthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to me, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues
hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary
to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I
have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs' butts. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
Love,
Your Human
*****************************************************************
Dear Human,
I am in receipt of an "at-large" message from you that was recently translated by the Canine Directorate. My primary duty in the service of the Directorate is to protect my subject at all costs. I am responding to your
letter in the hopes of improving the understanding between Canines and humans.
When you say "move", I hear "blah." This is DogTalk for
"stay near". The unfortunate fact that you don't speak DogTalk is that you don't realize that almost all the sounds you make are heard by me as "blah."
I am staying as near to you as I can, as much as I can, as often as I can, so you need not keep repeating yourself. I will continue to try to keep you from
harm. Please try to stop stepping on me.
If you don't want other animals to eat your food, you must eat it quickly. Every animal knows this. As a courtesy, I have tried to protect your food when you step away from your plate by tagging your food with my pawprint. I appreciate the symbolic gesture of putting the pawprint on my plate, although you should know that the pack associated with that tag may see it as a sign of disrespect.
I can't protect you if you keep trying to go first down the stairs. If you would watch where I am going, then you wouldn't trip. I have tried over and over to
position you where you will be best protected, but you don't seem to get the idea. Please get with the program!
It doesn't matter how big the bed is, I need to be as close to you as I can to protect you. You keep getting up at night and wiggling around, so I try to position myself as near as I can, and in such a fashion as to be awakened by your slightest movement. Of course, a California or Eastern king would be nice...
Regarding watching other dogs... Look, if I could put a tape in the VCR and watch it, I wouldn't be on your security detail, I'd be working back at Headquarters. (This is doggie sarcasm. The tail and tongue thing is just to get better reception of orders from the Directorate's secret transmitter.)
The things you call "CD's" aren't frisbees? That's for sure. They don't fly well, they taste terrible and they make my turds all sparkly. Very flimsy. Why do you waste your money on them?
I do my best to be your friend and to protect you.
I give you all my love and devotion.
I would take a bullet for you.
Why, then, do you feel so compelled to crap and pee in my water bowl? I have tried over and over to get in there and get you to stop during the act, but you
don't listen. I have tried clawing through the door, pushing it open, etc. Don't you get it?
So, I will consider checking my messages on the ANALNET after kissing you instead of beforehand as soon as you stop crapping in my water bowl. Sound like
a plan?
Your servants,
Marlowe and Scooter
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions so there is still a dog in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. **Please note: Placing a paw print in the middle
of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that esthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to me, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues
hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary
to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I
have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs' butts. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
Love,
Your Human
*****************************************************************
Dear Human,
I am in receipt of an "at-large" message from you that was recently translated by the Canine Directorate. My primary duty in the service of the Directorate is to protect my subject at all costs. I am responding to your
letter in the hopes of improving the understanding between Canines and humans.
When you say "move", I hear "blah." This is DogTalk for
"stay near". The unfortunate fact that you don't speak DogTalk is that you don't realize that almost all the sounds you make are heard by me as "blah."
I am staying as near to you as I can, as much as I can, as often as I can, so you need not keep repeating yourself. I will continue to try to keep you from
harm. Please try to stop stepping on me.
If you don't want other animals to eat your food, you must eat it quickly. Every animal knows this. As a courtesy, I have tried to protect your food when you step away from your plate by tagging your food with my pawprint. I appreciate the symbolic gesture of putting the pawprint on my plate, although you should know that the pack associated with that tag may see it as a sign of disrespect.
I can't protect you if you keep trying to go first down the stairs. If you would watch where I am going, then you wouldn't trip. I have tried over and over to
position you where you will be best protected, but you don't seem to get the idea. Please get with the program!
It doesn't matter how big the bed is, I need to be as close to you as I can to protect you. You keep getting up at night and wiggling around, so I try to position myself as near as I can, and in such a fashion as to be awakened by your slightest movement. Of course, a California or Eastern king would be nice...
Regarding watching other dogs... Look, if I could put a tape in the VCR and watch it, I wouldn't be on your security detail, I'd be working back at Headquarters. (This is doggie sarcasm. The tail and tongue thing is just to get better reception of orders from the Directorate's secret transmitter.)
The things you call "CD's" aren't frisbees? That's for sure. They don't fly well, they taste terrible and they make my turds all sparkly. Very flimsy. Why do you waste your money on them?
I do my best to be your friend and to protect you.
I give you all my love and devotion.
I would take a bullet for you.
Why, then, do you feel so compelled to crap and pee in my water bowl? I have tried over and over to get in there and get you to stop during the act, but you
don't listen. I have tried clawing through the door, pushing it open, etc. Don't you get it?
So, I will consider checking my messages on the ANALNET after kissing you instead of beforehand as soon as you stop crapping in my water bowl. Sound like
a plan?
Your servants,
Marlowe and Scooter
I love it.
