Hard to be optimistic (reads like a CW song)

[Sheryl]

In my adult life, most people have said that I am optimistic. In fact, I have been criticized for characterizing situations more positively then they really are. It is a little bit of a joke, when I tell a story versus my sister or husband, my version is where we have the best time. I guess I always felt that an upbeat point of view gets you further. Anyway, lately, it has been hard to keep that basic life view intact and it is really influencing my life.

A recap on some recent events that have gotten me down:
-April 2004, husband starts new career in real estate after technology jobs dry up. Slow getting started... we have been back from Germany since mid 2002 and he has had trouble getting really established career wise due to the economy, home schooling our oldest who has learning disabilities etc
-early May 2004, husbands father passes away after 6 months trying to recover from surgery
-Mid May 2004, my older sister Rose suffers brain anuersym. She did eventually recover, after about 2 months in ICU etc.
-late May 2004, my dear mother passes away before my eyes. Expected in the long run, but unexpected in timing. Huge loss for me as I hadn't really grieved her mental capacity losses in recent years yet.
-August 2004, husbands step-mother dies after a long battle with cancer
-Summer 2004, power struggle ensues at work that interferes with many projects etc. Unrelated event, my boss leaves for better job in Sept. and is replaced by someone that I can't relate to.
-October 2004, start taking antidepressants that make me crazy. Trip to hospital etc before they figure out I am having anxiety attacks not heart attacks. Lose about 6 weeks of productivity due to mental confusion etc from the medications. Not taking any anti-depressants now because anxiety is worse then depression in my book.
-November 2004, my younger sister finds out her stage 2 breast cancer is really stage 4 and has spread to her bones.
-November 2004, my children's 17 year old step-sister dies in a huge car crash (my ex remarried). Event triggers financial crisis with ex's family (be sure you have a life insurance policy to pay for funeral expenses). Her family is also being sued by injured parties even though it was truly an accident. Incident impacts all of us - my kids were very close to her.
-December 2004, my borderline high blood pressure is now high, start meds
-December 2004, in spite of many interventions with school, oldest child is failing 4 classes. Youngest child seems happy enough, but has lost interest in all of his friends.

I still have dreams about all the deaths and just haven't felt like myself. I am starting the oldest kid on school related counseling, they both refuse grief counseling. I try not to dwell on the negative, but to be honest I have trouble getting myself to work everyday as I just don't care much about it anymore. I really enjoy spending time doing horsey things, but since I am the only one with a steady income, I need to keep the job to afford it (and a roof over our head!). My boys and I all feel like we would like to move to some remote area and I realize that it is a fantasy of being able to escape our reality.

I know it will get better, and some really good things have happened too, but i wish I could just feel better on a day to day basis now so that I could have more energy to make life better for my family etc.


Sheryl

[Sarah]

I have no advice for you except to tell you that you are not alone in this. There are people here for you to talk to who are more than willing to listen and offer our shoulders to cry on.

Take a deep breath...and let it all go. ((HUGS))

[Deleted]

Sheryl, it would seem you have a good understanding about what is causing your grief and depression or at least adding to the depression. Are you doing Light therapy at least in the winter months to help a little?

I am sorry you have suffered so many losses both physical and metal this past year. And I do hope this new year will bring you and yours nothing but happiness and prosperity. You and your family be in my prayers.

Lisa

[Newfygirl]

Oh, I'm so sorry for your year. I sure hope that 2005 turns out much better. Take one thing at a time and take time to hug your horse. Prayers for you and your family.

[Mary Ann]

Sheryl, first let me tell you how touched I am that you felt okay about sharing this very private and personal grief with us. I'm honored that you feel like you can let down your hair a little here.

No doubt that even the most positive person in the world can only get so many gut punches before beginning to believe you just can't sustain it. Losing loved ones, the threat to loved ones, job changes, all make us feel so vulnerable. We can withstand one blow, or two, or maybe even three. But you've gotten way more than anybody should ever have to deal with!

It sounds like you're getting medical support, and like your family is trying to pull together. So if I have anything to add, it's just that you be gentle with yourself. Being the optimistic sort myself, I know that I can get into a position where I'm being strong for everyone else. But you have to allow yourself to be a wimp sometimes, to cry and grieve, allow others to be the strong one sometimes, and contemplate a little while on how it's just not fair. Because it's not.

I wish I could take the burden off your shoulders for a little while, and let you rest.

I hope this question isn't too private, and if you choose not to answer it, I totally understand. But do you have a faith life? A church where you go, hopefully with a compassionate pastor, minister, or priest? It's often much easier to put these things in context when we have a strong faith life.

(((((HUGS))))) You'll be in my prayers, especially that the coming year will be uneventful for you, and give you some time to heal.

[Chrisnstar]

Oh gosh, Sheryl... I'm so sorry for all you have dealt with... sometimes life just sucks.

but it will get better.

You are welcome to share your grief, your happiness, your lows and highs with us. Your feelings are safe here. We all need a place to spew that stuff that gets bottled up inside. A lady on an email list i'm on called it "emotional vomiting." That describes it pretty well...

I've been through a sucky year too, though not as bad as yours. I hope when you go to the doctor for your BP, you also tell him about your depression.

In December, i was ready to quit the human race because of all the issues bearing down on me. Now I'm feeling the brain cloud lifting and I'm starting to feel joy in life again.

Hugs to you.....

chris

[wildfire]

To move through these hard times and to be Thankful for the good parts of the tragedies.

“husbands father passes away after 6 months trying to recover from surgery”<br>The “Bad health” was made known, giving the opportunity to say good-byes and “make things right” and he didn’t go to sleep in “good health” . . . and pass in his sleep.

“Mid May 2004, my older sister Rose suffers brain anuersym. She did eventually recover, after about 2 months in ICU etc.”<br>Rose RECOVERED from a condition that many times are fatal before they are ever discovered.

“-late May 2004, my dear mother passes away before my eyes.”<br>You were there with her until her last minute.

“August 2004, husbands step-mother dies after a long battle with cancer”<br>She didn’t slip away unexpectedly. You had to the last minute to treasure.

“November 2004, my children's 17 year old step-sister dies in a huge car crash”<br>You your children LOVED her, and had REASON to grieve at her all too quick passing.

“December 2004, in spite of many interventions with school, oldest child is failing 4 classes.”
Though your “oldest child is failing 4 classes”, the 17 year old step-sister will never take another class. Are these classes, classes that will mean anything after graduation? Or is it a “school busy work” “requirement?
If so, give it time, and tutoring if needed!
(When I graduated high school, I COULDN’T READ! So what little I can do, I taught myself with the help of my first wife.)

“Youngest child seems happy enough, but has lost interest in all of his friends.”<br>This is life, how many of your friends do you have since kindergarten?
If the lack of interest in his friends is not being replace with something BAD, I wouldn’t worry about it. This may have the advantage of making him less susceptible to wrongful “peer pressures”.

You will get through this, we are here for you, and you are in my prayers!

[Sheryl]

I really appreciate all the kind words and have put a lot of thought into what you have shared and said.

My faith has always been very personal and I guess it has been shaken by the whole series of events. Sounds corny, but for me it was typical to say a word of thanks, prayer and marvel... several times a day... for all the goodness and amazing experiences in our daily life. I was never one to pray for things, more to give thanks. Taking a step outside and taking a breath of air, is a marvel, if you really think about it. The beautiful skies and mountains - on a nearly daily basis knocks my socks off; how much there is to appreciate in this life. The great people in my life have been a blessing. A quiet evening, grooming my horse, taking in the scent of "horse" brings me back to being about 11 years old and how I felt then. I have always been so grateful for my family, my education, my job, my pets and even my own ability to experience them. I can go on and on, but I really have spent my adult life giving thanks since I am so lucky to have these things in my life, to live in a wonderful country and to have so much opportunity. I came to this point of view after having a very difficult time growing up and deciding I wasn't going to live my adult life that way.

More recently, I started feeling really bad the day I realized that I didn't feel the daily gratitude and wonder anymore. It isn't really logical, it is more just my faith and world view being shaken. My younger sister has found blessings in breast cancer - she was a worrier and never one to see the small miracles. Now she does, she feels very good right now and is living well on a daily basis. it is so funny that she has found more peace and happiness even with this frightful condition hanging over her head.

Anyway, once before my whole life seemed a mess and I tackled the problems one at a time and eventually really improved my life. I guess right now I am trying to focus on the things I can actually change and trying to find peace with losing control over the things I can't impact (for example, that our Christmas list decreased by about 1/4 this year).

First step is I think I have found a new position within my company that will get me out of a very frustrating situation. It isn't perfect, but it will be different and hopefully give me some new vigour about work.

We are currently in a (polite) battle with my older son's school. It is a serious situation and must remedied if he still has hopes of graduating on time (he is a sophmore). That situation does seem hopeless at times, but I will say that I know it is important to never give up on a kid. His self confidence and character is more important then grades. He is a person of excellent character and is a much deeper thinker then you would imagine by his grades. He is a "chick magnet" but doesn't really buy into the drama and silliness of it all.

My youngest has become extra attached to me which I enjoy very much. We do a lot of things together which seems to be substituting for his peer friendships. He is in many ways a short adult. You hate to see your kid not having a bunch of friends, but he gets good grades and is very devoted to family.

Anyway, things always work themselves out and I know these situations will too.

thanks again to everyone

[Chrisnstar]

Sheryl, I think you hit the nail on the head. Whenever I feel like the world is falling in on me, I find that a healthy dose of gratitude is really what I need....

It's amazing how many good things we have in our lives when we start to look at them...

Good luck. We're here with you!

chris

[MJ]

Sheryl, has your son been tested for learning disabilities? If so and that isn't the problem, is there a possibility that he can make up the classes that he is not passing during the summer? We have a learning center in a neighboring town, that offers summer classes that credit can be given for so that students can graduate with their class.

They do have to pay for the class-it's either $50 or $100 a class to receive credit and the student must work hard to complete the class during the summer.

Good Luck