Please allow me a little vent.......

[Deleted]

I try very hard not to fill the board with my useless babble. Most of the time it's doable, tonight however I feel the need to throw this off my chest.

As some of you may remember I quit smoking about 9 months ago. I have learned that this makes my youngest daughter quite a bit healthier. Yes, this is something I'm dealing with on my own. Some of you may remember her previous trouble with her ears (not hearing/tubes) and allergies and of course her Apraxia. Anyway her allergies have been almost nonexistant since I quit and hubby stopped smoking in the house. And I'm better for it too

Ok next, some of you will remember my brother passing in Aug. It was expected, but unexpected.

Now, lets add these two or three things together and fast forward to the here and now. Since I cant change the past I can try my best to make the future brighter for my kids, myself and my husband.

Honestly this is going somewhere.

My phone rang yesterday and it was my Mom. I had sent her my brothers DC's and she wanted to acknowledge this in her own way that she recieved them. Sorta like "I got 'em, thanks" that was it. Then a couple of minutes later my Mother says....I have got to say this even if it makes you mad. Then proceeds to say, she cant come and visit me because she chain smokes and would have to spend her whole visit outside.

What part of her son dying didnt make her BELIEVE that life was TOO short!?!!!!?

Of course this didnt make me mad. In fact I didnt even respond to it. She went on with her conversation and then called my sister and told her she told me *get that?*

I'm not mad, I'm a wee bit hurt, but not mad. OK a LOT hurt! LIFE IS TOO SHORT!!!!!!!!! Why is she doing this!?!!!!! Because she's a bit selfish in some ways. Because she has an addiction. SO WHAT!

I know the answers to this, I just wanted to vent a little.

Lisa

[Mags Mom]

(((Hugs))) Lisa. I don't know all the background with your brothers passing and situation w/ your Mother. I do know this- when people say things to us which are intended to hurt us about the only response you can offer is "I'm sorry that you feel that way." That puts the ownership of their feelings/comments back on them.

Congrats on making it 9 months smoke free- that is an AWESOME milestone!!

Leslie

[Chrisnstar]

Wow, LiL Dot. I'd be upset too. That is very selfish of her, but as you know, you can't change another person.

I just happen to have one of my 12 step books open and this is what it says on the page I'm looking at:

Right now, today, I will lighten my burden by dropping that part of it which does not belong to me. Today I will look more closely at my thoughts and impulses, and take only such action as is required of me.

This is something I'm trying hard to learn in my life. Oh, the hurts I have carried because people didn't say or do what I expected them to do. I'm slowly learning that expectations about someone else are simply resentments waiting to happen. I'm slowly learning to let things go and let the hurts go with them.

I heard somewhere a good explanation of "to take offense." Offense is something we take, but we can choose not to. If someone says or does something that is offensive to us, we can choose to take that offense upon our selves, or choose to ignore it or let it go, divert it in someway, or not be around that person any more.

Boy, howdy, I've been the master of taking offense at things, and I still do too much. But I'm slowly getting better at letting offense go by without taking it. Does that make sense?

I'm so very proud of you for quitting smoking. What a challenge that is, I know. I was a smoker too, a long time ago. I've also upset people by the no smoking rule in my house. Well, like you daughter, I have terrible allergies and one minute in a room with a smoker and I'm sick for days. I don't want my furniture, curtains, rugs, etc. smelling like smoke. I have friends, houseguests and relatives who smoke and most of them are quite understanding and try hard not to let their smoke bother me.

I also abhor my husband's copenhagen snuff habit, but at least I don't have to participate in it with him, there's no second hand smoke!

Anyway, I'm rambling here. Hope some of this made sense and helps in a little way.

chris

[dianei]

I don't know you or your Mom, Lisa, but......it sounds like she's trying a little maternal manipulation here. You don't allow smoking in your house, so it has now become YOUR fault she can't/won't visit.

Stick to your guns.

I am a smoker. Yes, I know it's bad for me. Am I insulted if someone makes me step outside to indulge in my filthy habit???
Certainly not. When I am visiting, I always ask.......but the truth is, I generally smoke less when I am visiting a non-smoking household, because......

I am not there to SMOKE. I am there to VISIT. I would rather sit and talk than stand out on the back porch or in the garage and smoke.

It is not my host's fault that I have to go outside.
It is MINE.

But their rules don't stop me from visiting........
Shouldn't stop your mom, either.
I repeat: stick to your guns.

[Mary Ann]

Lisa, I just have to tell you again how incredibly proud I am of you for quitting smoking and sticking to it. This is a huge deal. It was the most loving single thing you could do for yourself and your family; you stand a much better chance to watch your daughter grow up, to dance at her wedding, and to cradle your grandchildren in your arms.

My heart goes out to your mother to have such a monkey on her back that it not only dictates the length of her life, but the quality of her life. It's dictating her relationship with you, and with your kids. What a heartbreak! I'm so glad that, while you can't fix her addiction, that you remain true to yourself.

I'm sure the hurt she inflicted was probably unintentional. I bet she secretly wishes she had your strength, and could make the commitment to a smoke free life like you did. So until she gets the strength, then denial is the only option she has left. No doubt you love your mother, and rejection always stings.

You're right; you know. But you have my admiration for perservering as you have. What an amazingly loving thing you have done!

(((((HUGS)))))

[tricia]

(((((hugs Lisa))))))))

Congrats on the 9 month milestone!!!!!! I am SO proud of you.

I have a lot of difficulty with my Mother too. I can't offer any better advice than what has been given, but I offer my (((hugs))) and support.


tricia

[Deleted]

Thanks ladies ;D

I needed someone to listen for a moment and ya'll chose to, thank you.

My Mother is who she is and I cant change that. I cant bring my Brother back. I cant change the path he chose in life. I cant change the way he died. THERE! lol..Truth be told I know these things.


For the first time since my Brother died, someone asked me how "I" was doing the other day. I didnt even know what to say. I had not given it one bit of thought. Seemingly this didnt effect me. My Mothers only concern was I didnt cry. I just am not a whiner/cryer. It's OK Makes me think sometimes if I'm normal, but I know I am, we all deal differently and I'm fine with it.

Anyway, thanks for listening. NO one is smoking in my home. Life is short and we ALL make sacrafices she can make hers or she'll cut her nose off. And it wont be long until my live and let live attitude back fires on me and I let her have it. She wont manipulate me, she autta know this by now.

[Frosty M]

I did the same thing years ago. It was a blessing to them and an ever bigger blessing to me. My mom smoked like a chimney. My sister died last summer begging for a cigarette, even though she was on oxygen. Addicts are shamelessly in the grip of their addiction. They can't think of anything but when are they going to get their next smoke/drink.

It's easy to say, but hard to do. Don't take it personally. She would be acting this way to any barrier of her smoking.

You are right. Be sweet, be nice, take the high road. You children will call you blessed and your friends here admire you. (((HUGS)).