Emotional Eating (long)

[paintaloosa]

This is a very deep issue with me. I am having extreme problems with my eating habits. I cannot stop eating, but I only eat when I am upset/bored/frustrated/mad (which right now is all the time!!) I am mad and disgusted with myself that I cannot stop. I told my SO about this and he was very supportive, saying he loves my body the way it is. I still don't think that he understands that I don't love my body. I need to lose about 50 pounds. And I have tried everything!! All the fad diets, WW, Jenny Craig, Slim Fast etc.
I have alot of negative food background in my life. When I was growing up, I was on my own emotionally. My mom was never there for me (she has her own mental problems) and my dad lived too far away. Food was my comfort. Then I met my controlling ex husband, while I was with him I went down to 130 pounds, at 5 foot 9! He totally controlled what I ate, making all the meals and putting the food on my plate, giving me tiny servings. I started hiding food to eat when I was alone. Everyday he called me fat, stupid and lazy. I finally got the courage to leave him and went and lived with my best friend. I was so screwed up that I could not eat in front of them and I ate alone and then gained back alot of weight. Now I am at a point in my life where I want to lose the weight, for good. But I don't know how. When I am happy, I eat so much less and exercise more, but right now I am in so much despair that again food is my only comfort. I grew up thinking that food is love. I have been to counselling and that did not help either. I did not tell you all this to fix the problem, I just wanted to be able to speak to someone who understands. My SO is great, but he is a guy, and they don't really understand the emotional eating that we struggle with.
The funny thing is that when I am at home, bored and alone, because SO is working, I want to eat, and overeat. I NEVER EVER think about eating when I am at the barn. Maybe it's because it is my escape, my happiness place, being with my horse, with the girls at the barn.
Thanks for listening everyone.
Kristin

[Mary Ann]

First let me express my sympathies! I understand how you feel. While my reasons are different, I have to say I don't know very many women who don't struggle with this. It just seems to be a matter of degree.

I think that the reason you don't ever think about eating while you're at the barn is because eating and being at the barn are incompatible. We need to replace our emotional eating with another activity. A bath is another incompatable activity. So is weeding in the garden.

I know it's hard when we're accustomed to being able to grab something when we feel bad. Interestingly, the consumption of many classes of foods causes an increase in the brain chemical serotonin, the 'feel good' chemical. So we can also have physiological needs for it. And it can cause rapid fluctuations in insulin and blood sugar, and that opens a whole 'nother can of worms.

I've long wondered if some people just don't have enough serotonin. Or if the foods we eat cause fluctuations so rapid that we can't keep a steady level, and go into a sort of withdrawal. I know that for me, I have issues around my hypoglycemia. I truly fear those low blood sugar attacks.

My heart goes out to you! I know how hard it can be.

(((((HUGS)))))

[paintaloosa]

Thanks MaryAnn, that means alot to me. I have heard about seretonin levels and the addictions you can get to certain foods. It is such a brainwasher, to reconvince my brain that I don't need food at those down times in my life. I can't start drinking again (that was easy to stop cold turkey ironically enough!) maybe I should take up smoking. Just kidding!! It does feel like I am eating sometimes for something to do, other times it feels like I am doing it because I have control over my own actions and therefore I am going to do what I want to do, regardless of the reprecusisons. It's a long hard road ahead, I just have to somehow take that first step.

[Cally]

Oh gosh. . .do I understand how you feel! I did Atkins and lost 25lbs. But the cravings finally got the best of me and drove me absolutely crazy. I spent two weeks eating everything I couldn't eat on Atkins. I gained.

Then I got better, stopped eating so much crap. Then I went to school. I gained. I'm a fatty again-almost where I was this time last year. It disgusts me. But. . .I'll lose it again, I have no doubt. It's the *keeping* it off that concerns me.

We're now on the WW "core" diet. There is a huge list of foods you can have as much as you want of-lean meats, fat free cheeses, fat free sour cream, cottage cheese, yogurt, skim milk, salsa, fruits, veggies, FF refried beans, reduced fat popcorn, FF sugar free pudding and jello. . .the list goes on and on. That's what I need-a group of foods I can eat AS MUCH AS I WANT of. In addition, you have 35 points to spend however you like each week. Do you want a DQ Blizzard? Fine-use your 24 points on that, spend the other 11 on other things during the week.

I'm not going to say it's easy. With this stupid power outage in town, and us due to grocery shop, we bought pizza for dinner. Doesn't it figure that Papa John's is open when the grocery store isn't? It's not an *easy* change, but it's doable. Very doable.

You can have a salad, steak, and baked potatoe for dinner, no points. Stir fry for lunch. No points. Breakfast is the tough time for me-usually I go with oatmeal.

You can have 24 Tostitos corn chips for 3pts, pile on the refried beans, add some cheese, salsa, sour cream, tomatoes, lettuce. . .you've got a huge taco salad for only 3 pts! Light bread is only 1pt for 2 pieces. A turkey sandwich with cheese, tomato, onions, lettuce. . .only 1pt.

Good luck with your struggle. I know how hard the addiction is!

[Chrisnstar]

I know exactly what you are going through. I've gained 70 pounds in 10 years. It's disgusting and it's all emotional eating.

Three things have really helped me. I'm starting to feel the tide turning...

first, I found an online yahoo group called overeaterbeaters. Look for it and join. It's free. Great emotional support. The group was founded on the tenets of Geneen Roth who advoctes a NON DIET approach to losing weight. Basically that is to listen to your body and to work on the emotional crap we all have stuffed down inside. She's got a really good workbook called "Why Weight." It's at Amazon.com and I've found it on Ebay. It gives you specific exercises to do to try to piece together what your eating triggers are, what's happened in your life when you 've been thin and fat, etc. I'm about halfway through the workbook.

I'm also in a 12step program because of my husbands issues. It's quite interesting that many of the things I'm working on there coincide with the things that Roth says in her books, so at least the two programs aren't contradicting each other.

The third thing is I've started a different antidepressant. I think the combination of three things is starting to help. I'm not craving sweets. I eat carbs, but make sure they are whole grain, wholesome foods. I'm just not as driven to the fridge as I used to be.

Even tonight when I'm so upset over losing Sassy, I'm not hungry. I could barely eat a little dinner. In the past, I'd have eaten everything in sight to try to overcome the feelings.

Anytime you want to talk, girlfriend, I'm here. I've been gaining and losing weight all my life. I want to get off the roller coaster and just be healthy.

chris

[Chrisnstar]

Oh, and I know about the food controller people. My mother was that way. She was exceedingly thin and really flipped out if I gained an ounce when I was a kid. As a 16 yo, I weighed 115 and was 5'5. I was very curvy and had a lovely figure.

She sent me to a modeling school where they told me I was too fat.

My mother would weigh me in front of her friends and really scold me if I went over what she thought I should be.

I think sometimes our gaining weight is an emotinoal backlash against that strong control. We have to learn to live for ourselves and not for or against that person who was the controller. It's hard.

chris

[wildfire]

I've been there myself! (When my 1st wife died in '85 it hit me REAL hard! )
Why do you think I'm such a FANTASTIC cook?

I started walking 4 miles a day, and not eating flour products or sugar (Low carb) and I lost 34 pound in 2 months.

I give your SO a Gold star for being supportive! ;D

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
888888888888888888888888888888888

You can do it!
We're here for you!
GLHR!

[paintaloosa]

Awww now shucks you guys, here I was at work all silly happy because we have snow and now I have tears in my eyes at the overwhelming unconditional support you have given me. Thank you from the very depths of my soul.
Chris, I think I might just join that Yahoo group, it would be nice to have a support group of people who are going through the same thing that I am. I think I have my triggers down pat, now its a matter of saying "NO" when they come around for a bite to eat.
Wildfire, I absolutely agree with the walking and honestly, I do not have an excuse not to walk. I live across from the dykes, I have two big dogs I can take with me at night when SO isn't home and I can walk around dt on my lunch hour. I have to start taking responsibility for my own actions and start taking better care of myself! I am really good at taking care of other people and now I have to use those skills on ME! That poem was amazing. I think I will print it out and put it on my fridge, a place of honor.
Thanks everyone again for your support
Kristin (sitting at work, watching the snow fall and wiping happy tears from her eyes)

[Sheryl]

So many of us can relate to your situation. Throughout my life, I have gone up and down on my weight and it is so hard to get "control" when things are not going great. At the moment, I am at the very highest end of what I have weighed so I feel your pain. I don't have the answers, but I can tell you some things that have helped me cope.

First and number one is don't give up living and enjoying your life just because you are unhappy with your weight. Make sure you are enjoying your loved ones, your horses, hobbies, your job, your sexlife - everything that makes your life rich and full. For all my weight struggles, sticking with this basic idea has really been the thing that got me through it all. I actually learned this attitude from a thin and very beautiful woman. Only other fat people seem to be amazed that I have a successful career and a good life in spite of being fat....hmmm

Second, sometimes the cure is worse then the disease. I gained much weight because I thought I was the scum of the planet when I was 15-20# overweight and felt so much stress about being out of control. Diets can make you fatter in the long run. I am not saying give up on healthy lifestyles, I am saying be careful of the program of the week as they can really mess with your mind - especially if you are an emotional eater.

Third, I also tried counseling and I didn't find that it worked at all for overeating. It did help me with other things though, including coming up with my rule number one. I believe that behavior modification is much more sucessful personally. For example, if I know I will overeat in the evening after dinner when I am alone, I try to plan to avoid or minimize that situation. Maybe spending those times of "habitual weakness" at the barn or something could help.

Anyway, I am glad you are blessed with such a great significant other. Believe what he is saying - you are still worthy of his love and the other good things in your life no matter what you weigh!

[Chrisnstar]

Sheryl,

You are so right! I know some people think I'm to fat to ride or do endurance. People are always asking me on a ride if I'm OK, like they expect the fat girl to be having a hard time.

I do just fine. We take it slow and I don't ask my horse to do more than he can with me on him. I want to move up to 5 0s and know I can't at the weight I'm at, so I'm more motivated this year to do somethign about it.

In Geneen Roth's workbook, Why Weight, she has the reader do some interesting exercises. One is something you talk about... list 5 things you would do if you weren't fat anymore, or things you are putting off doing until you are thin.

Then ask yourself what's holding you back!

She says to write down a list of things you will do for yourself today, this week, this month, no matter what you weigh.

That was an interesting exercise for me. It made me look at the way I dress (in frumpy fat clothes), the way I wear my hair, lack of make up and things like that. Well, those are things I can change now. I don't have to wait for some magical day when I'm thin again!

When I started implementing those things, I started feeling better about myself and even got a compliment now and then from DH...which boosted me some more!

chris

[Sheryl]

Chris,
Well, I have a hard time seeing that you are in any way too heavy to do LDs and endurance rides. I will say that working with "western" riders has really helped my attitude about that. I am always expecting to be judged about my weight, and what I hear instead is "250-300 pound guys ride small cutting and reining horses and they do fine." One of the most awesome reining horse at the barn is a tiny little QH, and her owner said her trainer is a big guy and the horse has no problem at all. Reining is pretty hard work too.

My experience is that SOME of the English type riders sort of expect different proportions - you know 5'1", 110 pound riders need to be on a 16.2 warmblood and it goes up from there type thing. My trainer had that bias, but after time she changed her mind, a small horse with good bone is fine for a heavier rider.

Anyway, my advice don't put off ANYTHING you really want to do. I don't mean to sound morbid, but what if something happened - do you really want to look back in your life and think that a few pounds stopped you from living as you wanted???

[Mary Ann]

Sheryl, I believe a lot of people keep themselves fat so they won't have to face their feelings of fear of accomplishing something. Like, for example, they don't go after a promotion at work because really they're scared they can't do it or won't get the job, so they convince themselves it's because they're fat. It's easier to be rejected for being fat than for being inadequate.

I believe fat can be a shield for a lot of folks.

Your notion of going ahead and doing those five things removes the power of the fat shield.

Very smart.

Carpe Diem!